BEST
MEDICINE
Medical Humor
SOURCE: Southwest
Chinese Baptist Church
http://swcbc.org/medical.html
Ways To Cope With Stress
- Drive to work in reverse.
- Fill out your tax form using
Roman Numerals.
- Leaf through "National
Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
- Make up a language and ask
people for directions in it.
- Pay your electric bill in
pennies.
- Pop some popcorn without
putting the lid on.
- Put your toddler's clothes on
backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
- Write a short story using
alphabet soup.
A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car
shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the
father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor
removed the car, and the father and son left.
A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose.
He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"
An eighth-grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for
being President of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person
must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. "Does
that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be
President?"
The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all
the blinds drawn.
"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire
across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had
failed."
Some Thoughts
- One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person
gain five pounds.
- Brain cells come and go, but fat cells live forever.
- Life not only begins at 40, it begins to show.
- Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks
two sizes.
"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.
Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon
as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs."
Doctor: What's the condition of the boy who swallowed the quarter?
Nurse: No change yet.
A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)
So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong...
"You've got a broken finger!"
A distraught man ran into the doctor's office.
"Doc!" The man screamed, "I've lost my memory!"
"When did this happen?" asked the doctor.
The man looked at him and said, "When did what happen?"
THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:
- Three kinds of blood vessels
are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
- The process of turning steam
back into water again is called conversation.
- A magnet is something you find
crawling all over a dead cat.
- The Earth makes one resolution
every 24 hours.
- To collect fumes of sulfur,
hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
- Parallel lines never meet,
unless you bend one or both of them.
- Algebraical symbols are used
when you do not know what you are talking about.
- A circle is a line which meets
its other end without ending.
- The pistol of a flower is its
only protection against insects.
- The moon is a planet just like
the Earth, only it is even deader.
- A super-saturated solution is
one that holds more than it can hold.
- Blood flows down one leg and
up the other.
- The hookworm larvae enters the
human body through the soul.
- For fractures: to see if the
limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
- For nosebleed: put the nose
much lower than the body.
- To remove dust from the eye,
pull the eye down over the nose.
- For head colds: use an
agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
- Before giving a blood
transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
- Bar magnets have north and
south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
- When you smell an odorless
gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
SOURCE:
www.jokesnjokes.net
CALORIE BURNING ACTIVITIES
| Jumping to conclusions |
100 |
| Swallowing your pride |
50 |
| Passing the buck |
150 |
| Pushing your luck |
250 |
| Wading through paperwork |
300 |
| Jumping on the bandwagon |
200 |
| Balancing the books |
25 |
| Running around in circles |
350 |
| Climbing the ladder of success |
750 |
| Adding fuel to the fire |
160 |
| Wrapping it up at the day's end |
12 |
|
|
To which you may want to add your own favorite
activities, including: |
| Opening a can of worms |
50 |
| Putting your foot in your mouth |
300 |
| Starting the ball rolling |
90 |
| Going over the edge |
25 |
| Picking up the pieces after |
350 |
| Counting eggs before they hatch |
6 |
| Calling it quits |
2 |
SOURCE: www.webcom.com
The Memory Test
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and asks the second
man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your
turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
Anonymous
The Second Opinion
A woman told the vet that something was wrong with her dog. He examined the
animal and told her the dog was dead.
"I don't believe you", she said, "I'd like a second
opinion"
The vet said that would be fine. He went into the other room and got a cat.
He put the cat up on the table with the dog. The cat sniffed the dog and jumped
down. The vet then got a black lab, put him on the table and the lab sniffed and
jumped down.
The vet tells the lady again, "I'm sorry, but your dog is definitely
dead. That will be $600 for the exam."
"$600 is ridiculous, what are the charges for?" she exclaimed.
"$600 is a bargain," the vet explained. "$50 for me and only
$550 for the cat scan and lab work."
Susan Micheli
De Name Game
An expectant mother was in a car accident. She was rushed to the hospital by
her brother who was with her at the time of the accident. When they reached the
hospital, she was comatose and went in for an immediate C-section.
After 24 hours, she came around and saw her brother by the bedside. He
immediately held her hand and said, "Sis, we were in an accident and you
underwent an emergency C-section. You had twins and I took the liberty of naming
them in case you didn't pull through."
His sister asked her younger brother what he named the twins.
"The girl ...I named Denise," the brother replied proudly.
"What a wonderful name!…and the other twin?" she asked.
"The boy I named Denephew!"
Vic
Top 10 Odd Medical Record Statements (supposedly found on patient's
charts)
- "The skin was moist and dry."
- "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."
- "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed."
- "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
stockbroker instead."
- "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy."
- "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent
home."
- "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
1989 when she got a divorce."
- "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
- "She is numb from her toes down."
- "The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."
Amanda
Tallahassee, Fl
A Satisfied Taxpayer
There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed
$3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the
attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that
the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a
toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value
$1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of
$22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on
my return. Might I suggest you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch
screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips
Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to
paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
An Anonymous Schwartz & Schwartz Client
Waltham, MA
Spell Check
I am an ambulance officer and one day while sitting at a social event a guy
walked up to me and asked:
"What does E C N A L U B M A spell?"
Anon
Australia |